I have been pondering a lot on God's love, His mysterious ways and many other things.I am such a sinful person inside out, sometimes I really hated myself to the core.I have so many weaknesses!Very often, I dun understand why I do certain things, I am so sinful and undeserving but God who love me so much is willing to sacrifice Himself for me and chooses me to be His children.Because of His great love, I want to serve Him forever, but I dunno where He want to me to serve?Is it to serve in the youth ministry or elderly ministry?Is it to serve in SAC or other church? Sometimes I wonder why God created me to be so small in size with a child like high-pitched voice, does He want me to serve in the children ministry??I am still waiting for His call...

I wonder if the life that I live is a witness to others as a Christian.However, I doubt so. I am so sinful in nature, I have too many weaknesses...Very Often,I dun live according to God's ways,I dun do some things that God wants me to do.I am still learning to love others as I love myself,but often it is not easy especially to someone who is so different.It is hard to obey God fully!

The people around me are aging faster than I thought... Mummy has weak kidney and weak legs.She just signalled to me that due to her leg's condition we wont be going for holiday:( Papa's health is getting weaker, he is getting slower and slower:( Aunt Roslin's condition has worsen, she is now full of worries. :( The 3 most important people in my life are all getting weaker , slower, and older yet I am getting stronger each day.There will be a point where they will rely on me, I need to support them.I need to be more mature sot that they will feel that I am reliable.I pray that God will bless them with good health, bless them in their work, and bless them in every areas...

2 more weeks or rather 10 more days to go till the end of internship and I couldn't stand it anymore. I have never missed school this badly before . I miss all my friends especially , Rinnah, Wei Ting and Jes and everyone from school. I miss all the fun , all the suanning, and all the lectures and tutorials even though it can get quite boring.I wonder how am I going to survive the next 2 weeks, haiz...

I had realised many things throughout this internship.I think God allows my internship to be a difficult one so that I can learn. I realised that it is time for me to be independent. I had always been depending on parents for everything that I do, so over protected that I struggled throughout the whole intern.I hope that one day I can go oversea to study , to learn to be independent. I know that it is not going to be easy . Aunt Roslin just warned me that I may go the wrong path if I mixed with the wrong ppl , but I am not worried about that. I need to gain my self confidence . I need to learn everything from the basic. I still can depend on God, who will guide me through, so what's there to fear ? I know I will definitely struggle ,but this will only make me stronger.

Another thing is that when you are studying , you are only responsible for your own self , but working is different as you are responsible for others as well. I realised how much I enjoy studying, even though it can be boring and tiring at times. Now I wish that I can be a student forever.However, that is never possible.One of the reason why we study is to get a good cert and find a good job to earn money .If I want to earn a lot of money I have to bear these heavy responsibilities and stress, if I choose not to have so much responsibilities, then I may just be sufficient.Right now I may choose the latter, but in the future I will have to work for money. Internship reaffirms my ambitions of becoming a teacher and serve to God. I dun want to seat in the office throughout the day, doing something that I don't enjoy.I want to teach , I want to do God's work , I want to glorify . I dun mind if the pay is not gd , so long as I enjoy doing it, I would be happy with it .

I pray that God will open a way for me , I pray that He will lead me through the last 2 weeks of internship. I hope that this 2 weeks can pass by quickly , for I cannot wait for school to start...

A week ago, I was angry at God for not answering one of my prayer request , without knowing that God has already answered my prayer,but I couldn't sense it because of my little faith in Him.However, when I realised that God has actually given me that gift long before,I am so happy and grateful.I felt that my faith has increased and I thank Him for that.

A few days later, I got my back result and was disappointed when I saw it.I thought that I would be super duper upset over it , cry over to mummy and question God fervently,instead there was peace in my heart.I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be.Perphaps, I am just immune to failure, or perhaps my expections are too high, or maybe because I realised something in life that are more important than studies or that God has another plan for me? I dunno.Honestly, I did not study properly for this exam,especially for ief.I wasn't hardworking enough.My mind was full of other things other than to focus on revision.I didn't give my best during the paper itself.I may had failed all my modules if it wasn't for God's grace.

Right now, I just want to let to look forward to the next semester.Since I was in secondary school, I never like to tell people about my result be it good or bad.Please dun be upset or think bad about me for that.I didn't say it because I dun want to compare, I dun want to look back.There are so many people who are so concerned for me, I am so grateful to have all of you as my friends:)You know how important you guys are to me! However, stop thinking so highly of me!I am really nobody.I am so small and insignificant...